COMIC RELIEF: Dudley's a Wizard
by Silver Ice
Summary: Sitting at home with nothing to do can be a real bore...unless you have floo powder! What happens one summer when Dudley is feeling bored out of his mind...well...read to find out! rf


A/N: Hey guys! I went on a review splurge on the 15th and after that I felt like typing up and putting up this story. It's about Dudley and it's VERY interesting. *laughs wickedly*

Disclaimer: Um…no…nothing is mine. Stella belongs to my VERY faithful reviewer-MadamStella, I would VERY much suggest you read her stuff, it's all big pimping. 

Advertisements: Hey, check out some of Shining Moonlight 's stories today, she's an excellent writer and has some great stuff! Also, check out the story Perfect Pairings, that one is VERY good to. It's by ice princess12-I think. 

Warning: If this becomes **PURE NONSENSE** do **NOT** be alarmed. If you feel the need to flame me- -please do. My heart could do with some warming.

Now presenting yet another Comic Relief…

Dudley's a Wizard?

By: Silver Ice

Number 4 Privet Drive was very silent on the first morning of August until Mr. Weasley, and Fred and George came crashing through the fireplace.

Vernon Dursley, who was drinking his tea in peace, jumped up and hollered, "Harry, those PEOPLE have come!" As Vernon shouted, Dudley scrambled in horror behind the sofa.

Upstairs Harry quickly finished putting his books into his trunk. Fred and George popped up in the door a moment later.

"Oy, Harry, how you been?" George asked.

"As good as I can be I guess," Harry answered grabbing Hedwig's cage.

"We'll take your trunk." Fred said as George and he each grabbed an end.

"Hurry up boys, we have to be on our way!" Mr. Weasley shouted before falling silent at Vernon's glare.

Harry and the twins made their way downstairs, Fred and George setting down Harry's trunk very quickly.

They then stood next to the overstuffed sofa and began to whisper silently. 

"Come on, time to go," Mr. Weasley said, ushering Fred and George to the fire. The twins nodded, but before they left Fred discreetly stuck something into the small purple flowerpot on the mantle.

***One Month Later***

A very bored Dudley Dursley sat in his room glaring at his new television and stereo set. The set had been a gift from his father's bonus check and Dudley had been very pleased with it, at first. However, he now glared at the set in anger for it wasn't nearly as big as the one in the Cinema's. 

This hadn't been the first thing to anger Dudley; in fact he hadn't been pleased with home life in general that summer. For one thing, he hadn't been receiving many gifts or as much attention. Not only that, but Harry had been gone a month and there was no one left to bully. 

As Dudley sat on his bed in silence he thought of what he could do. It didn't take him long though before he came to an unquestionable conclusion. 

Dudley was hungry for more than grapefruit. He wanted candy and he wanted some from Honeydukes. When the strange red-haired people came to take Harry the two twins had mentioned the place. They had said that if you threw some powder in to the fire, jumped in, and yelled 'Honeydukes' you would go to a great candy store.

He didn't waste another second. Dudley ran down the stairs to the mantle as fast as his legs would take him. Once there he grabbed the small purple flowerpot and pulled out a small brown pouch triumphantly. Dudley threw the pouch into the fire and watched as the flickering flames turned green before jumping in.

"HONEYDUKES!" He screamed as loud as he could. The last thing he saw was his mother running to him shrieking, and then he was in a sudden whirlwind of darkness.

A moment later he was laying on the floor of a candy-filled store. Dudley immediately began to eat everything in sight.

"Eh, stop that! Watcha doin' 'ere mate? Ain't ye supposed ta be at Hogwarts?" A lean man inquired.

Dudley looked up for a moment and gave the man a distasteful look before he grabbed a stack of Chocolate Frogs and put them into his pockets.

"Tom, take this 'ere chap back ta Hogwarts," The lean man hollered. 

A short man came stumbling out from behind a tattered curtain, "Sure thing Stu." Tom answered before grabbing Dudley and dragging him out of the store. Dudley tried to complain, but his mouth was too full.

Tom walked Dudley up to the school, but Dudley didn't realize where they were heading until Tom ushered him inside the majestic castle.

"Weeaimiate?" Dudley asked, spraying bits of food from his mouth.

"Trying to be a jokester? I know your kind; you're just a no good Slytherin, aren't you? I should be going to the Headmaster with you, but I'll let it slide today. It's first day back, I never liked that time neither." Tom said. He then walked back outside, closing the doors shut behind him.

"Were am I at?" Dudley screamed as the doors closed. "And what is Slyderin?"

"You're at Hogwarts and Slytherin is one of the houses here," said a timid girl in black robes with yellow trimming.

"Are you a Slyderin at Hogmarts?" Dudley questioned. 

"Erm, no. I'm a Hufflepuff at Hogwarts," the girl replied.

"Yeah? Well, piss off." Dudley said before walking towards the loud chatter he heard in front of him. As he marched away the girl began to cry and ran the other way. Dudley laughed in satisfaction before opening the only ornate door in the hall.

Inside there was clearly a feast taking place as rows of tables were filled with piles of food. Dudley very nearly passed out as he ran to the nearest table and began to eat a little bit of everything.

Roger Davis watched in disgust as Dudley grabbed a drumstick off his plate, "Get out of here, stop eating our food!" 

"Fine!" Dudley snapped back before moving to the next table. He managed to eat from every table before he spotted a colossal heap of pudding at the front table. He pushed his way to the pudding in exhilaration. When he finally reached the table he grabbed a spoon from the hands of a man with very slimy hair and dug right in.

Professor McGonagall watched in horror as pudding began to fly around in front of her. "Excuse me, but what are you doing here eating our pudding?" She asked with a raised brow.

"This is good! Do you have any more for me?" Dudley asked without answering McGonagall's question.

"Great wizards, I hope we're out." She mumbled, pushing her chair away from the table. 

This was when Karkaroff ended his conversation with Snape and looked at what was happening. He gasped as he looked at Dudley and swiftly moved his chair across from him.

"Hello there, and who are you?" Karkaroff asked, twirling his goatee. 

"Dudley, what is it to you?" Dudley said without looking up.

"Well, I am Karkaroff and I'm very pleased to meet you. Very pleased indeed. May I ask why a fine looking man such as yourself is here at Hogwarts?" Karkaroff said seductively. 

"You're scaring me, I'm just at Hogmarts for the food," Dudley replied.

Karkaroff looked taken aback but then smiled, "I am sorry I've frightened you. Perhaps you have had a bad trip. It was rude of me to be so nosy. Please, here is the key to my room. Say 'Karky' and you will be taken there." 

"Thanks mister, now you got any more pudding?" Dudley asked pocketing the key.

"Of course, I'll get it right away," Karkaroff replied, sweeping away from the table quickly.

******

"You know, I'm really glad to be back at Hogwarts," Hermione said.

"Yeah, me too! What about you Harry, glad summer's finally over?" Ron asked.

Harry began to nod his head before he glimpsed a massive figure eating a heap of pudding. Harry then cried out, "Dudley!"

"Damn Harry, you're talking about him at Hogwarts now? Do the two of you have something going on? Be honest, we're all you're friends," Ron said shaking his head.

"Thank you Ron, it's a comfort to know what great friends I have. What I was trying to say was that Dudley is eating Dumbledore's pudding," Harry said with a roll of his eyes.

At this Ron, and everyone who had heard Harry, turned to watch as Dudley cleared a whole platter of pudding and as Karkaroff came running into the Great Hall carrying two others.

"Now that is scary," Hermione said, pushing her plate aside.

"How did he get here? And what on earth is he here for?" Harry asked in shock.

"I think he's here for the pudding." Ron said, watching as Dudley began to eat his second platter. The trio had been the first to notice Dudley, but now they weren't the only people. Almost everyone was staring at him now.

"What do you think you're doing fat ass?" Draco screamed loudly. They Slytherin table burst into laughter. Dudley didn't seem to notice Draco's scream though and instead of snapping back he moved on to his third platter of pudding. Professor McGonagall looked as though she'd be sick at any given moment while Dumbledore looked thoroughly amused. Snape meanwhile was staring at his spoon in disbelieve. Time seemed to slow down as Dudley finished the third platter and threw it as the wall. 

Needless to say, dinner finished early that evening, as everyone was far too disgusted to eat. As students filled out of the Great Hall Dudley began to realize exactly what was going on. 

"Um, can I go home now? Dudley asked, taking a seat on the head table. It began to sink as he sat and goblets began to tip over and spill.

"Please, do go home," McGonagall said.

"Yeah lady, I'd like to, but where is home from here?" Dudley said, standing up quickly as the table began to creak from beneath him.

"Do you mean to tell me that you don't know where you are?" Dumbledore asked, speaking for the first time.

"No Santa Clause, I know where I am! I'm at Hogwarts, are you a Slyderin or a Huff-on-Puff?" Dudley replied questioningly.

"I think is the stupidest Muggles I've seen in my whole life. How on earth is he able to see Hogwarts!" Snape exclaimed, glaring at Dudley.

"Well, I like him very much. I think we should keep him," Karkaroff said eagerly.

"You would think that Igor, I can't believe you would take _that_ over **me**!" Snape barked. Dumbledore and McGonagall looked absolutley befuddled. 

"I'm not a mummy, I'm a real boy!" Dudley snapped at the Professors in anger. 

At this McGonagall turned to Dumbledore and whispered, "Do you really think he's as…stupid as he seems?" Dumbledore could only shrug in response. Dudley suddenly became very quiet while all this was happening, and began to stare at Snape.

"Why are you looking at me?" Snape asked, smoothing back his hair.

"I'm sorry, you just remind me of someone I like," Dudley answered.

"Well…that isn't very normal at all. I am not a female!" Snape snapped.

"Oh I know, girls are so dumb and annoying," Dudley said.

At this Karkaroff grinned madly, "Dudley, what rhymes with Sparky and starts with a 'K'?"

"Um…Kareki…wait no, it's…**Karky**!" There was a sudden loud 'pop' and a cloud of pink. When the puffs died own, both Karkaroff and Dudley had vanished. 

It was a silent for a moment before McGonagall said timidly, "Karky?" Of course nothing happened. 

"How strange and refreshing that was. Maybe it's good he ate the pudding, I believe I've had too many chocolate frogs today anyway," Dumbledore said, cleaning away the two remaining platters with his wand.

"Headmaster, you do realize he's a MUGGLE and he can see the true Hogwarts, right?" Snape asked.

"Well, there is a small little circumstance to the rule of no Muggles seeing Hogwarts. You see, most non-wizarding families who have magical family members can see Hogwarts," Dumbledore replied in explanation. Snape looked shock.

"Who is that boy related to?" McGonagall asked, afraid to know.

Dumbledore smiled in amusement; "He's Harry's cousin of course!"

__

"**WHAT!?**" Snape and McGonagall shouted simultaneously. 

"Well, I'm not sure how he got here, or even why he's here. However, don't be alarmed at him seeing Hogwarts," Dumbledore said with a smile, "now, I'm afraid I have to go now. I heard there's a whole new club—and they've begged me to DG there." McGonagall looked as though she'd been stunned as Dumbledore left the Great Hall bopping hi head. 

While all this was going on the trio were sitting in the common room.

"So Harry, did you invite your cousin to come and stay at Hogwarts or something?" Ron asked while making a paper wand out of his charms essay.

"Ron! You really are being quite mean to Harry, if he likes Dudley we should be supportive!" Hermione exclaimed, giving Ron a pleading smile.

"**I DON'T LIKE HIM!** I like someone else for your information," Harry hollered, throwing random things into the fire and watching as most of them shot back our at him. 

Ron snickered, "Okay, you like someone else, but why is your cousin here?" 

The trio sat in a deep thought for a few minutes before Harry exclaimed, "Your brothers, he's come to Hogwarts because of them!" 

"What? Why on earth would your cousin come for Fred and George?" Ron asked, now looking at Harry with disgust.

"Oh no Ron, Harry's right! Remember when Harry first came to the Burrow Fred whispered 'wait 'till you see who comes first day back'? He must have been talking about Dudley!" Hermione concluded logically.

At this, Ron began to laugh.

"What's so funny!" Harry yelled, glaring at Ron.

"Oh please, this is hilarious! I never thought of Fred and George pulling a prank this good! I thought that Dudley being here had something to do with You-Know-Who, but now that I know it's nothing…this whole situation got a hundred times funnier," Ron said, once again laughing madly.

Harry did not laugh nor did he look amused. "I'm going to go find him," Harry siad standing up.

"Good luck!" Ron said as he pulled Hermione into a corner with him.

Harry groaned before going upstairs to grab his cloak. By the time he came downstairs again Ron and Hermione had left their corner. Harry paid no mind though and exited the common room in determination.

******

"Hey, now where am I?" Dudley inquired loudly. 

Karkaroff answered from behind, "You are safe now."

"Why do you keep following me!" Dudley hollered in anger, stepping away from Karkaroff.

"No, you see, now _you _are the one following me. This is my bedchamber after all," Karkaroff answered with a sly grin.

"Well, I want to leave your bedchamber now!" Dudley whined in growing anger.

"No you don't, you want to stay right here. Where it's just you, me, and the bed." Karkaroff countered.

"Harry will save me!" Dudley shrieked, trying to reassure himself.

"Oh my, I forgot my date was tonight! You must leave here at once, quickly, before he comes," Karkaroff commanded.

Dudley looked shocked, "How could he?" 

It was at this moment decided to poof into the bedroom to see Dudley with Karkaroff. He looked very confused. "What is _he_ doing here?" Harry asked, referring to Dudley.

"What are _you_ doing here! I thought you loved me!" Dudley exclaimed, close to tears now.

"Me, like you? YUCK! I love Karkaroff and we will be eloping very shortly!" Harry declared. Karkaroff sat frowning.

"Why are you pouting?" Dudley asked Karkaroff after the room fell eerily silent.

"Can't we all just be one big happy family?" Karkaroff asked.

"NO!" Harry exclaimed, shaking his head in disbelieve. 

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and a girl whispered, "May I come in?" She didn't wait for an answer though and opened the door immediately.

"Stella, what do you want from me?" Karkaroff snapped.

"Sorry to bother you, but where's Viktor Krum?" She asked curiously.

"That would be the room next door!" Karkaroff answered. Stella giggled before leaving the room and sneaking into Viktor's bedchamber. Harry and Dudley stared at the door where she had stood moments ago.

"Wow," they both muttered.

"WHAT!" Karkaroff squealed. "You're both mad, what about me?" 

"We don't want you!" Dudley replied before violently pushing Karkaroff from the door. The window was wide open on the other side of the room and as Karkaroff stumbled backwards he fell through the large and un-screened window. Harry and Dudley ran to the window and watched as two giant spiders picked up Karkaroff. 

"Good work," Harry said, congratulating Dudley.

"Thank you," Dudley replied.

"You know, I'm really glad you're here at Hogwarts Dudley! It'd be so cool I you were a wizard," Harry said smiling.

"Oh, but I am!" Dudley said, grinning evilly. No more was said as the two boys walked to Viktor's room to find their new love, Stella. 

End 

A/N: Well…okay, it was really stupid-trust me, I know! But hey, what the hell, you've already read it if you're reading this, so could you review or flame or even advertise for yourself! PLEASE.

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REVIEWS

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"Hey, wow, that was f' ed up! But hey, that's what I loved about it! Haha, I'm very happy Karkaroff died!"

"This was so…let's just say I'm LMAO! I love your Comic Relief's!  


****

FLAMES

"Wow, this was stupid. Dudley would never be a wizard."

"This was so stupid! I can't believe I read it. There was no plot whatsoever!"

*Hugs and Kisses to all reviwers, flamers, critics, or advertisers! If I didn't mention you…Hugs and Kisses don't go to you!*


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